A friend of mine asked me what the hell kind of meme could I possibly be doing that exempts me from answering the questions myself? Then a regular reader commented. Then three emails came in. Finally, last night, a friend sent me a text, assuring me she was curious about my answers. Fair enough. My people have spoken.

Here goes…

1. Quick! You must turn a plate of latkes into an upscale gourmet delight (as if they aren’t already?). What would you add to them to dress them up, flavor and/or garnish them?

I’m really a latke purist. I using good yukon gold potatoes, shredding the little bastards, wringing the shreds out in a hand towel before I add any of the other ingredients (that’s key) and I like using the best olive oil to fry them in and serving them with only sourcream and apple sauce. I made curry cream sauce for them last year that were damn good. And, once I was given a fancy latke on a bed of arugula and balsamic with a poached quail egg on top. That was pretty great. But, let’s say I was going to Pimp My Latke. Let’s just say. I would add a variety of minced wild mushrooms and shallots to the batter, then serve with sage sour cream and something like port-poached diced apples. That’d be pretty good I think.

I’m sure I have told you guys, by the way, about my “Tribe Sandwich”, no? It’s my favorite sandiwich ever and always take them with me when i travel because they make me so happy. They are made thusly: toast a little pumpernickel bread, add mayo, mustard, applesauce, soy pepperjack cheese, tofurkey and latkes. Sounds like a big disaster but I can assure absolute deliciousness.

2. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard anyone say about Chanukah?

It’s a toss-up… (a) “Merry.. um, how do you say it in Jewish?” and (b) back in the day when I was working in retail, a couple came into the store and asked another associate if we carried “menorahs or dreidels or any other Chanukah stuff”. The associate turned and shouted across the store to the manager, “We don’t got no Jewish stuff, huh?” I wanted to hide behind my crappy plastic nametag. I was mortified, but grabbed them and dragged them to the Judaica. Oh and (c) “So, wait, you guys don’t celebrate Christmas at Jewish church? Weird. I’d kill myself if I didn’t have Christmas.”

3. What’s the best possible use for olive oil?

I rub a little on my nails and cuticles.. voila! Instant manicure. Or, rub a little on the feet, put on thick socks and go to bed. No raggedy-ass hands or rough heels here. But, dipping sourdough bread into good olive oil is pretty great, too. Uh, not the same oil I put on my hands and feet. That’s be more than a little bit freaky. Though, I guess you could just dip your bread and let it get all over your hands and kill two of three birds with one stone. Eh, yeah. Multitasking is cool.

4. Settle it once and for all. Latkes or hammentaschen? Which to you prefer? What about pitting the winner of that contest against sufganiyot?

Sufganyiot are better than hammentaschen. But, latkes are better than sufganyiot. Savory trumps sweet in my world.

5. What’s the best way to mix up a game of dreidel?

At the little soiree at my place back on the first night, we kicked it seventh grade style and turned it into a game of truth or dare. I did a tap dance, which was a riot. But, I think Mad Words had he best idea of shouting expletives after each spin like, “Shin, beyotch!

6. My novel, Three Fallen Women, shockingly enough, is about the lives of three women. Which three women would you like to have over this year for latkes and why?

Hmm. Good question, Amy-self. I’m glad you asked. Let’s see. Let’s say I could get anyone, from any time. Betty Friedan? Gertrude Stein? Erica Jong? Susan Sontag? Wow, there are a lot of righteous Heebettes to pick from. You know, I think life is serious enough. Let’s keep this one light and silly. Gilda Radner for sure. Sarah Silverman. My friend Sandy. We’d go nuts. It’d be a riot.

7. Other than Three Fallen Women (har har), what book do you think would make a great Chanukah gift this year? What book would you like to receive as a gift this year?

My second book? Okay, that was shameless. Forget it. Actually, I just saw this book called Subversive Crosstitch and was howling! I’d would sew these hilarious things for all of you. Who doesn’t need a wall-hanging with pretty flowers and the words “you suck” gingerly stitched across it? I pick that one. Wow, put that in a gift bag with (another one of my BFFs) Jenny Hart’s Sublime Stitching and you’d have one badass crafty little gift on your hands. (That I would gladly accept. Or steal from you when you weren’t looking. Whatever it takes.)

8. What bloggers didn’t participate in Chanukah Blog Tour 5767 and you think should have?

Well, next year, I’m going to try to hunt you all down again and do this all over. But, some are bound to have issued restraining orders against me by then. Some are bound to move away, make aliyah, decide I’m just not that cool and steer clear, get really famous and decide to forget me. Some of you will be busy doing very exciting things, running from the law, getting divorced, getting hitched, etc….. point being, next year, some of you are bound to be absent. so, I’ll wishfully tag Bex Schwartz. Sarah Silverman. That Black Lesbian Jew. Maybe a couple of dirty old ladies. Maybe a couple of dirty old men. We’ll just have to wait and see. That’s the thing with this tag on this meme, it’s a little different. But, here we are on the final countdown of Chanukah and if you weren’t posting but wanted to, go for it. Anytime today, post away. Or, heck, why no tomorrow, too? You have until sundown on Saturday to post your little heart out.

I’ll be back later today with the final eight candles (you guys are in for a rare treat!) and whoever else I hear about posting, also. We’ll just have to wait and see.

(By the by, did anyone see this? Some schmuck is pretending to be Jewish now to… pick up chicks? What is this? Is this a thing? Are some dudes doing this? Haha. I just have this vision of fratboys getting all Woody Allen’d up o get ladies… oh man.)

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