Hey, hep cats, you know what’s not cool? Writing to an author and pretending you are a fan of her work or a bookstore employee and inviting her to come read only to reply to her professional, affirmative email with an invitation to join you in your hot tub/perform fellatio on you/jerk off on her face. If you do something like that, you know what it makes you? A fucking douchebag, that’s what. And, as an added bonus, if you’ve been warned once and ever try it again, you’ll get your name and email published here on The ‘Mouth.

Remember kids, just say no to people suffering from general meanness, negativity thrills, douchebaggery and cuntitude.