I had the funniest dream last night! If I write it all down super-fast I’ll remember everything, but if I wait, I’ll start forgetting it….
In the dream, I had kids– twin boys names Ezra and Ike and they were a little bit Jackass and a little bit Bart Simpson. They also, as might be predicted, have adorably filthy little mouths. So, in the dream, I was telling them they’d go visit their cousins in the spring and won’t that be great and blah blah as the whole family is making dinner. So, Ike laughs as he’s chopping up salad and goes:
Ike: “Man, I know they’re my cousins and all, but those kids are fucking fags.”
Me: “Ike David! What the fuck are you talking like that for?”
Baby Daddy: “What did you say?”
Ike: “I’m not saying fag like gay! I’m not! I mean fag like dumbass.”
And when he said “dumbass” the fours of us all suddenly reacted to a family ritual that is sort of like when one sees a Volkswagen Beetle– slug the arm of the person near you. Only we all slugged each other and shouted “dumbass!” then I returned to my lecture and told him we had lots of gay men friends, as he well knew, and that he shouldn’t say such things and he took the salad bowl to the table and mumbled, “Fine, you’re right. But, I’m telling you, those stupid cousins fucking suck. They’re so lame.” Baby Daddy snickers and returns to chopping something, Ike points and says, “See, Ma? He knows!”
There was a long pause and then I asked Ezra, who was sauteeing some vegetables (my kids both cook!) if he’d finished his homework.
“Yeah, I knocked it out, yo. But, fucking Ike didn’t do shit yet.”
“Ike, did you finish your homework yet or are you doing it after dinner?”
“G-ddamnit, I forgot.”
“Okay, do it after.”
And he, Ike, started talking about said calculus homework and we were all laughing about it and Ezra and Baby Daddy are cracking themselves up over a play on (mathematical) words. Mind you, the kids were about nine or ten. (My kids are so smart!)
So, some kid stops by later, and Ike and Ezra offer him anything when he comes. (My boys have manners!) The kid says he’d like a bottle of water. I say, “I’m heading that way, I’ll grab it.” I bring him back this bottle of water and he says, “Sweet” and nods to me. Ike faces his palm at this kid and goes, “Whoa! Fucking say thank you to my Ma, shithead.” And the kid does.
Then, we are going to Baby Neptune’s Bar Mitzvah and I got up to do one of the Torah Blessings. My Hebrew is good and the tune is right but it’s a little too quiet. I sit back down and Ike and Ezra tell me it “was too quiet, dumbass” and we all slug each other and whisper “dumbass” in shul at Neptune’s Bar Mitzvah.
Then, I woke up with my cat trying to paw at my eyelid.