You guys know I don’t play around with the cleaning. My house is clean, period.

I walked into my kitchen this morning the there is a smell like a dead-for-days truckstop ratwhore crawled up a skunk’s ass and died again. I’m digging through cabinets and drawers thinking I’d surely find a dead ratwhore and can’t find a thing. So, I decide I need coffee to process this very unforch situation a little better. I flip on the coffee pot and the space between the glass carafe and the heating area below suddenly starts to steam and sizzle and this smell goes from dead rat whore burried in a skunk to dead rat whore burried in a skunk then locked in a Port-o-Shitter in the Central Park in August. Oy vey, I have no idea what got onto the bottom of my coffee pot, but the entire thing has been disassembled, bleached (the inside was fine, but why take chances?) and reassembled. What could that have been? My first thought was that maybe my cat peed on my coffee pot, but where this spot was, there’s no way. He would have had to lift the carafe out, shrink his butt to fit inside the heating area, then pee. Plus, it wasn’t cat pee smell. It was dead ratwhore.

So, my current hypothesis is that I set something haaarible on my countertop, the set the glass carafe down between washing it and returning it to the coffee pot and somehow got some haaarible something on the bottom outside of the glass. But what? Ya’d think I’d notice if I brought home a sack of dead rat whores from the supermarket, no?

I might just buy myself the new fancy coffee pot I’ve wanted a long while and remove any traces of the dead rat whore coffee pot. Baruch the fuck haShem I didn’t drink whatever that was.