I just woke up with a jolt and decided that tonight, right now, is the moment to make an announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, girls, guys and otherwise, the moment you’ve all been, I’m sure, eagerly awaiting! The winner of the “What I Did With Her Book” Contest is…
Ms. Melissa Snyder of Seattle, WA, who so creatively and bravely sealed my book in plastic and took it scuba-diving! What a pain in the ass that must have been for her, right? Well, in any case, Melissa, we’re all glad you did it. And, you shall be richly rewarded with great praise of your efforts (see below) and bragging rights like a mofo.
Letter In Praise of Melissa (as read by Kelsey Grammar):
Dearest Scuba Mel,
Do you mind being called Mel?
When you jump in the water, how do you resist the urge to shout “Dive! Dive! Dive!” in bubbled-underwater speak?
Upon first glimpse of your thoughtful photograph, who would not be stunned by your painstaking effort? Then, who would subsequently not be terrified by your suction-forced expression and lack of inhibition sucking on a regulator, or whatever the hell that thing is in your mouth..? Well-played, dear lady! Well-played! It is the sincerest of hopes that the murky waters you graced with your diving were not nearly as icy as they appeared, and that your copy of these ramblings escaped destruction in this project of yours. Oh, how we sacrifice for art! We do! We do! Dearest lady, your efforts are so appreciated! And so celebrated! And so positively wonderful that no other photograph could even begin to compare to your genius. Farewell, sweet Melissa. May your Scuba adventures be bright.
You have my artistic respect for all time,
And (shameless plug disguised as something else), I even was able to pull a string or two and get dear Melissa’s genius discussed at the very eleventh hour in the recent issue of Cliterature Journal.
For kicks, I’ll post a few photos that were narrowly beaten out by Dear Scuba Mel. Gimmie a day or two to get those ducks in a row. Uh, I feel like I should have a model release form for one of them.
But, right now, we celebrate Scuba Mel! Cheers to Scuba Mel!