I am working on a really nerdy essay this morning. I don’t know why I felt compelled to write an essay about string theory, other than it interests me, but I am doing just that. Who knows where it will land? I don’t. I just feel compelled to write it. I’ll deal with the business end when I’m finished. I paused to stretch my brain and checked my email to find eleven surveys awaiting me from friends. Now, most of you who know me well enough are aware that I rather enjoy a good survey. But, eleven is a bit much. And, yesterday, I got four which I haven’t yet gotten around to filling in. So, I have slapped them all together and, without further ado, I present my survey and answers. Do with them what you will. (Trust me, this is more for my own mental relaxation than much of anything else.)

Name: Amy Guth

Nationality: Oh, sweet, only two questions in and already a pet peeve! “Nationality” refers to the country of which you are a citizen, and in this case, I am an American citizen. I believe the survey-maker perhaps actually wanted to ask about “Ethnicity”. I can’t stress this enough. These words are not interchangeable. My ethnicity is Alsatian Jewy Eurotrash

Eye Color: Hazel

Hair Color: dark brown, black, magenta and gray. Only the magenta is my doing.

Height: 5’10”

Glasses or contacts: Glasses, always glasses. Never without the glasses.

Right Handed or Left Handed: Right. I do recall using my left hand for something in pre-school and being ridiculed, so who knows, really?

Any pets: Chairman Meow, wonder kitty

Your greatest strength/weakness: The same answer applies to both. I have a good work ethic, I’ll work my ass off and put everything I have into a project, but the downside of that is that because of this, I am often hard on myself and frequently take things personally because I put so much of myself into things I do.

Favorite color: It bounces between green and purple.

Favorite flower: Dogwood

Favorite holiday: High Holidays (Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur). Love them, love the reflective, renewal nature of them. And, autumn is my favorite season.

Favorite physical feature on yourself: (Crappy wording) My nose.

Your favorite pizza toppings: Balsamic vinegar, banana peppers, goat cheese

Favorite alcoholic drink of choice: wine (Isn’t “of choice” a bit redundant here? It reminds, though. Yesterday, I was running errands and heard a man say he and his girlfriend “had sex together”. Huh. Like saying he and his girlfriend “had sex” wouldn’t have been very clear?)

Favorite guilty pleasure: Human trainwreck TV programs. (Flavor of Love is a good one.)

Your favorite lunch meat: Tofurkey (Want a good sandwich? Toasted pumpernickel, mayo, mustard, applesauce, a potato latke, Tofurkey…mmm.)

Favorite non-sexual thing to do with a person: That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever been asked. Anyone who doesn’t say “have a conversation” is a douchebag. Next!

Favorite cartoon character: Lisa Simpson

Your favorite food: Food and I are friends. Curry rice, spicy asparagus sushi, lebanese pomegranate-butter-lemon potatoes, broccoli, dolmas with a shot of lemon juice, hummous and warm pita…mmmmmmm.

Favorite Ice cream flavor: Red bean

Favorite breakfast cereal: Something about starting the day with something cold and sweet makes me feel like shit all day. I’m a pumpernickel bagel lady.

Favorite person in your life: Yeah, great, because answering that won’t piss anyone off.

Favorite place to be: Home during a thunderstorm or snowstorm.

Your favorite sport to watch on TV: This is really lame, but I like the sound of having golf on in the background because it reminds me of how my Dad always did this when I was a kid.

Favorite TV show (still running or ended): Twin Peaks

What would you consider your favorite T.V. station: public television

What is your favorite part of your life right now: It’s my own.

McDonalds or Burger King: Neither. Although cheers to BK for offering a veggie burger and Wi-Fi.

Starbucks or elsewhere: Local, independently-owned coffeehouses with fair trade coffee. (I like how this is worded like “Behold Ye Almighty STARBUCKS! Dost thou patronize my kingdom or, you know, do you go someplace else?)

Dogs or cats: Chairman Meow

Jay Leno or David Letterman: Jon Stewart

Do you sing: Constantly.

Do you believe in yourself: Yes. Otherwise, I probably would spare my blog readership with trivial details of my life.

Do you go to church: Is this question for real? Like it’s church or nothing? Maybe I forward this little survey to my Sufist friend? My Hindu friends? What about my muslim friends or my wiccan/neo-pagan friends? Or, what about me and my Jewish friends? Well, obviously church and Starbucks are in cahoots for supremacy. Hmph! (I could have just changed that question to “Do you attend religious services?” and said “Yes”, but I had to make a point.)

Do you drink: A little wine here and there.

Do you like to travel by plane: Not really, but I do.

Do you like thunderstorms: Yes.

Do you play an instrument: I used to play the cello and the violin when I was a kid, then a little guitar when I was a teenager and then bass a bit after that but my official answer is “no”, because I can’t claim any sort of proficiency on anything.

Do you think Jesus is great: Who writes these things? And how did my email friends get the impression that I am into Jesus, church and Starbucks? Well, I’ll tell you. That guy, “Heyseuss” works at my bank. He’s totally cool. He hooked me up with a free book of checks. And a pen. So there.

Have you ever fired a gun: Long story. Yes.

Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to: What am I, a human being or mythological perfection?

Have you ever cut your own hair: Either I cut it or my cousin cuts it. I don’t like being at the mercy of anyone else’s whims.

Have you ever bungee jumped: No.

Have you ever been arrested: Nope.

Have you ever broken into someone’s house: Oh, great, now I’m supposed to be into Jesus, Starbucks, church AND breaking the law? Who are you people, writing these surveys?

List your top fears: Insects. I respect their right to exist, so I don’t squash them, but I don’t like anything or anybody who can be sitting on my head and I wouldn’t necessarily notice. Eww. What else? I’ve had drowning and violent death dreams my whole life. Those fears are up there pretty well, too.

What bill do you hate paying the most: Hate is a strong word, don’t you think? I don’t mind paying bills, because the alternative is not being able to pay them. But, if I had to pick, I’d say probably rent because I wish I owned my place. But, my landlords are really cool, so if I don’t own, I’m glad it’s going to them.

What did you want to be when you were growing up: I always wanted to write. I might have gotten sidetracked for a week or two with aspirations of being an astronaut, but writing was a constant.

Did you go to college: Yes.

What errand/chore do you despise: I actually enjoy cleaning. I’m not wild about ironing, though.

A secret that you wouldn’t mind everyone knowing: I’m proud of my IQ but never admit the number.

How many joints pop when you get out of bed in the morning: First my left knee, then my back, then my neck. It’s a symphony. It’s really irresistible.

What are your views on marriage: Everyone, and I mean everyone, should be allowed to be legally married to the person they believe to be their other half if they want to be. I also believe it’s perfectly okay to coexist in an undefined or sort of defined way, too. To each his/her own, I say.

What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best: Oh, well, obviously I am Heidi Klum’s body double. Pssh. Duh.

If you could get away with it, who would you kill: You know, I’m really re-thinking the email friends I have. Killing? Are you serious? I don’t kill insects, what makes you think I’d kill a person? And, I like how the survey-writer assumed that punishment is the only thing deterring me from killing, not say, respect for life.

How many jobs have you had: Oh man, a lot. This is the only time in my whole life that I haven’t had a few jobs at a time.

What five jobs would people be surprised to know you’ve held in your lifetime: housepainter, administrative assistant, seamstress, sold opera tickets, personal chef. It’s better to not ask for details.

Your most missed memory: I don’t even know where to begin with this question. If I miss it, it ceases to be a memory, no? If it is a memory, it could be, say, nostalgic, or treasured, but missed? Huh.

What goal would you like to achieve this year: Oh, I have a little secret list of thoughts on 5767. This year is going to be a really great one.

What are your regrets: Eh. Live and learn. Even less-than-good situations were learning experiences in the end.

What do you want when you are sick: Vegetarian matzo ball soup and a grilled cheese sandwich, diet soda on ice. When I crave that, I know a cold is around the corner and it’s time to sit my ass down and rest.

What country would you most like to visit: Ghana. No, Israel. No, no, wait, Peru. No, Ghana. Final answer. Wait…

How many pillows do you sleep with: One thoughtfully-selected, contoured pillow, but I surround myself with about three or four others. What, do I think I’m going to roll off the bed? No clue why I do this.

Are your parents still together: Yes.

Do you collect anything: vintage postcards

What group of people do you hate: I like all nice, thoughtful people and I avoid negative, dramatic people. But, I don’t hate anyone.

What one thing would you change about yourself: I’d never take another survey. And, this uber-survey might have just made my affinity for them dissolve. Well done.