I shit you negative, the following has occurred in the last few days:

INJURY ONE: I was helping a friend remove wallpaper and personally witnessed her accidentally slice, nay, chop her wrist open and bleed like a motherfucker this weird purple blood. She giggled like a maniac and insisted she was “fine fine fine don’t let me sit down fine fine fine” as she made her kitchen to look like a crime scene.

FAINTING: After the above, long after the nonsense was over and the kitchen was being cleaned, I fruck out a little, got the creeps and fainted.

WRITER GIFT: I gave Jonathan Safran Foer a comic in Hebrew from inside a piece of Kosher for Passover Bazooka gum. He laughed and told me he didn’t read Hebrew but remembered having this gum in Hebrew school as a kid. I wish there was more to that story, but there really isn’t. That was just as it happened.

INJURY TWO: I was accidentally hit in the knee with a crowbar just prior to my friend chopping her wrist open and nearly bleeding to death. Another friend recruited to help with wallpaper removal was prying some makeshift nailed-to-the-wall artwork left by the previous tenants when the crowbar and artwork suddenly came loose and blammo.

TESTOSTERONE POISONING HANDLED WITH WELL-PLACED EMASCULATION: A dude cut me off in traffic, I flipped him off and he jumped out of his car and bumped his chest against my window trying to get me to fight him. I laughed and pointed as his crotch and eventually, he went away.

TRIXIES: I heard the following statement on the train by a woman in her mid-twenties-ish , “My boyfriend is Jewish and whatever, so I went to his mom’s house for Easter and she made millions of food and my mom made millions of food for Easter, too, so I had, like two feasteses.”

Feasteses?

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